I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
