I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize