Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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