1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
