i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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