***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
