and she was petting her beer can
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
