Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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