one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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