Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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