uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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