I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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