my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
