If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
