this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
