Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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