Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
whose parrot is this?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wear drunk well.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
