yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
