I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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