You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
