My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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