Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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