this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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