Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
