just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
