I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
