My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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