My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
