u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
