I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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