dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
