I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
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