i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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