mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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