life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
