Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
