i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
