Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
are you so shy because you have an std?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
