He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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