Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
