It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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