is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
