i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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