I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She announced her abortion via fbk
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
