Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
