I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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