You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
