I met the friendliest cop last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
