The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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