**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
