New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
