If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
