even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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