I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
