Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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