And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
